Muddling through infertility

28th Dec 2017 – 8 months ago, Andrew and I were rejoicing at the thought that we would be meeting our little baby girl today.

 

It has been a trying journey for us as we stumbled and struggled through the journey of infertility. It just has never been something that has ever crossed my mind. In my naivety and self-entitlement, I had always thought that having a baby was easy – I mean, that’s what people do or so I thought. Month after month, I got excited and waited to see if there would be a double line on the window, then it slowly turned into a year and then two. It was (and still is) a time filled with different medical interventions, hope, disappointment and tears. I never understood why it was so hard. Then I started struggling on a different level when friends started posting pregnancy announcements and hosting baby showers. Baby bumps seemed to be popping everywhere, just not with us. Why did it seem so easy for them?

 

When it finally happened, we were so excited! I was talking to baby throughout the day, making plans for what we would do together. Knowing that it would be a summer baby, I was ready for cute sleeveless onesies. Really, just knowing that we’d finally been blessed with a baby filled me with a joy that was indescribable.

 

Then, on our 6th week scan, we were told that baby was measuring one week behind. Our doctor informed us it could go either way- either baby will catch up or something wasn’t right. Similarly for the 7th week scan, baby grew one week, but was still measuring one week behind. Finally, on the 8th week scan – and I remember that day so clearly – lying down in the doctor’s office, looking at the ultrasound machine, not seeing a heart beat on the screen. John tried so hard to look for it, to hear a heart beat and to give us a glimmer of home. Unfortunately, all he could say was “I’m sorry”. 

So the little one in this ultrasound photo is our little girl whom we’ve nicknamed – Beansy. It’s taken a while for me to write this. Firstly, because I was too prideful to admit that I didn’t have a “perfect” life – that my life wasn’t as held together as I wanted it to be. Secondly, because I didn’t want to face the awkwardness of what people would say to me plus I never thought people would understand. But it’s precisely because of these reasons that I’m writing this today. 

For you, you and the someone you know who is going through the grief and disappointment of infertility or the loss of a loved one, I really want you to know that you’re not alone in this deep dark tunnel. That, in the midst of pain, the nights of sobbing and crying yourself to sleep, the heavy burden of carrying the grief around, this is not the end. There is a comfort and hope in the knowledge that through the storms in the life, you have a shelter in Christ. Even in the times of despair, cling on to the hope that there is something far greater that God has prepared for you. It may not come in the form of a child or of the good news that you’re hoping for, but it is a promise that the loving God who created the universe, knows exactly what you’re feeling and sees each tear that falls. He has loved us with a love that’s never ending and given us a sure hope of the glory and good that is to come through Christ. So if you ever need someone to talk to, cry with or just simply to sit with, I’m writing this simply to reach out and let you know that you don’t need to go through this alone. I’m not perfect and there are days when I still struggle and grieve and worry about the what-ifs, but I know that I’m not alone in this and that you aren’t too. 

I’m not the best writer, but I’ve found that it’s helped me to let everything out when I blog. So if you want to read about my struggles and joys (it’s not always updated though), feel free to head over to iamyoursevermore.wordpress.com. 

Till then, I’ll be here if you need me.