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Discovering Motherhood
Kristiana Darling
For me, it started with a desire I didn’t know I would have. It wasn’t a desire as strong as the lady who I later donated eggs to. For her, the need to mother was so intense that she would never feel complete without birthing a child, irrespective of that child having a biological connection to her. For me, it started with a desire.
This story is a finalist in Growlife Medical's annual Essay Competition for 2021. This year's theme is "stories of mothers", where stories of honesty and depth were invited to celebrate mothers through sharing love, loss, heartache, strength, grief and hope. Read on...
For me, it started with a desire I didn’t know I would have. It wasn’t a desire as strong as the lady who I later donated eggs to. For her, the need to mother was so intense that she would never feel complete without birthing a child, irrespective of that child having a biological connection to her. For me, it started with a desire.
Next came medical assistance. For those who have been on the IVF roller coaster, here is where the journey of motherhood commences, regardless of the outcome. For my friends currently on that rollercoaster I see their hope, fear, excitement, grief, physical exhaustion, hormonal outbursts, and unbreakable dedication to the baby they are desperate to manifest.
Birth was a bizarre meeting. I had heard her heartbeat on many occasions, the first time instantly becoming one of my greatest memories. I had seen her image, from strange bird shadow to perfect baby profile, with ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes. She had kicked and squirmed and hiccupped in utero. But her birth brought a whole other swathe of reality sealed with a piercing scream that echoed her good health and our awe. Her measurements and vitals were reassuring, her placenta was in-tact and home-bound we were sent with a new focus, on the best conceivable prize. A gift so extraordinarily precious, so extremely vulnerable. So loud but so silent. Absolutely and completely reliant on us, her most informed and totally ignorant parents, to anticipate, interpret and attend to her every need, despite exhaustion, pain, hunger, hormone, time or any other excuse.
Newborn Land was a secret place we had heard mention of but couldn’t fathom. It was difficult to navigate, clouded in a jet lag that could not be slept-off but only became more engulfing. It was extreme to say the least. Although the motherhood journey may start before Newborn Land, it is the destination that pushes so many to relational, emotional, hormonal and mental limits, while in recovery from being physically and spiritually torn apart in exchange for bringing a new life into the world.
Surviving Newborn Land changed everything. Smiles became packages of joy frequently offered and always absorbed as mini rewards. Crying became a decipherable form of communication which took away the stress of guesswork. Sleep became a more regular welcomed visitor. And time awake became an obsessive opportunity to smell her sweet head, kiss her soft cheeks, and get willingly lost in her baby vortex. There’s nothing this mother wouldn’t sacrifice for her.
There’s nothing more important than her and conversely, without her, there’d be nothing.
I thought I knew unconditional love before she came along. I thought I knew the depth of my mother’s love. I thought I didn’t need to have a kid to give unconditional love. I thought I had given unconditional love. I was wrong. I was so far off knowing what unconditional love was until motherhood became my reality.
What completely blew my mind is that upon knowing unconditional love for my child, I didn’t think I could love anyone else so totally. Astoundingly, when my second child joined our family, an unknown bounty of equally unconditional love existed for her too. I didn’t know so much love could exist for one person, let alone more. The depth of love for my kids is all consuming. It doesn’t seem plausible to be able to channel it to one, let alone an equally expansive amount to two kids.
For me, motherhood is the journey to, discovery of and dedication of motherly love. Unlimited, unwavering love, that I never fully knew before.
Make Sure you vote in the Grow Medical 2021 Essay Competition by going to our Facebook Page, and liking and sharing your favourite Story of Motherhood. If this one is your favourite, tell us why in the comments, and share it by clicking one of the circle icons at the bottom of the page.
Otherwise, read on with this year's finalists entries...
Read This Year's Finalist Entries
An essay on "daughter hunger", the story of an eldest daughter of an eldest daughter, but not a mother to a daughter.
An essay on the story of a mum by and eight year old daughter.
An essay on a love story.
A story about a daughter travelling to see her mum.
A story about a muddling through infertility.
“Hello, welcome to Parenthood…”. A story about the ever-continuing parenthood journey
The first time I saw my son - a story.
The Story of a Mother breastfeeding after Caesarian.
The Story of My Decade of Breastfeeding.
The Story of United in Motherhood