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How to Deal With Tantrums In Children
Matthew Simmond
We all know what a tantrum looks like. But seeing it coming can be much more challenging. Parents of 2 year olds often wonder “why does my toddler have tantrums?”. Why toddlers have tantrums is a common topic of discussion when we see 2 and 3 year olds for a developmental check, and you are not alone if you’re wondering “are temper tantrums normal?”. It can be confronting to see your toddler have a tantrum, and knowing how to react to a tantrum is an important skill, as is knowing how to prevent a tantrum. It is important not to feel embarrassed by behaviours that are developmentally typical.
In this article, Grow Medical and Child Psychologist Matthew Simmond
looks at the issue of tantrums in children. We discuss what causes tantrums, what you can do when your child has a tantrum, and actions you can take to prevent tantrums.
What is a tantrum?
Essentially, a tantrum is an explosion of anger, where your child’s ability to regulate their emotions
has boiled over. You’re witnessing them losing control of their voluntary behaviour. Every tantrum is different but it is hard to mistake. Think shouting, screaming, hitting, falling on the floor, kicking or other similar displays. Tantrums are an unmistakeable display of anger and frustration.
Why do tantrums happen?
Tantrums are developmentally normal in toddlers. This is the stage where they are beginning to learn how to regulate their emotions. Because this process of learning emotional regulation
takes a while, there are times when the situations your toddler faces don’t match with their ability to handle them. The result is some very BIG emotions, without the internal mechanisms to recognise and turn down these feelings. Even as adults, we face challenging situations in life where sometimes we feel like we are going to “lose it”. For toddlers, the bar is set much lower before they lose it, and because your toddler is in a phase of testing boundaries, and exploring the world, they come up against many more frustrating road blocks. When these two factors collide, your child might have a tantrum.
What causes tantrums?
Understanding why tantrums happen will shed light on when to anticipate a tantrum. We can never be completely sure when our child will or won’t have a tantrum, but there are some thing you can look for:
Conflict
A tantrum will typically occur at a time when your child’s desires conflict with an external influence. For most children, the strongest influence in their life is their parent! So tantrums often occur when parents are attempting to influence their child’s desires. External influences could be an object like a ladder that they wish to climb, but are unable due to their motor development stage. The frustration of being unable to achieve something that they are trying to do can result in an unexpected outburst.
Temperament
Parents with several children know that some traits are hard-wired. You might have one enthusiatic, curious child; another stubborn and emotional; another easy going and good humoured. this influences how quickly and strongly children react to things like frustrating events. Children who get upset easily might be more likely to have tantrums.
Stress, hunger, tiredness
We have all heard of “hangry”, a combination of hunger and anger. Any of these factors lower a person’s threshold for feeling angry and frustrated. So making sure these basics are sorted mean that your child will likely have more tolerance before a tantrum is triggered.
Boredom
Humans are intelligent, inquisitive creatures. Our brains are constantly seeking stimulation. If stimulation isn’t forthcoming, children will aim to liven up their environment. Anyone who grew up with siblings will no doubt recall sitting in the back seat in a long car trip and eventually poking their sibling, resulting in a mini-war. Bored children will find ways to liven up their environment, even if it means taking an action that isn’t socially desirable. So keep that young brain positively engaged.
Being scared or out of their depth
If the world gets too unfamiliar or intimidating, the associated emotions can be too strong and result in an outburst
Strong emotions
Anger, fear or humiliation are difficult to manage even for adults. Trying to deal with these as a child can be tough, and result in emotions boiling over into a tantrum.
What should I do when my child has a tantrum?
Above All, Stay Calm. This is sometimes easier said than done, but remembering the Circle of Security mantra “be bigger, wiser, stronger and kind” can really help you take a pause, think about what is really going on, then be ready to respond to the best of your ability. When a tantrum hits it can be too late, but one of the most important steps parents can take is to look after yourself so that you have sufficient emotional energy available to respond with your best foot forward.
Whilst as parents ourselves we have all felt embarrassed when our child has a tantrum (after all we tend to see our children as a reflection of ourselves), it is important to remember that tantrums are considered a normal developmental phase, and are not an indication of poor parenting.
Try to help your child name the emotion they are feeling. Sometimes, reflecting back to a child and helping them put words to how they are feeling can help them turn the tantrum into the tears of recovery. Something like “You’re really upset that mum is going out without you, hey?” Can help them know you understand, and allow them to feel the emotion, rather than resist the change.
Always stay firm, but kind. Giving in to a tantrum by buying the toy, or reversing an appropriately-placed “no” will reinforce to a child that losing control of their emotions can help them achieve an end. It is OK for a parent to stay firm and say no, whilst still being compassionate and supporting your child’s emotional need and acknowledging their feelings.
How do I stop tantrums?
Prevention is better than cure. Once a tantrum has started, it may just have to run its course, as logic and reasoning don’t really help when the emotional brain is ruling your child’s world. Be sure to remain nearby to keep your child safe, and let them know you’re there to give them a cuddle when they are ready.
How Can I prevent tantrums?
Creating an environment of positivity, close attachment and clear boundaries are the main things parents can do to prevent tantrums. By looking at the causes of tantrums above, and thinking ahead of time how to prevent boredom, teach your child to manage conflict, and have sufficient household love and affection to build a sense of security in your child, you are already streets ahead. Remember, no matter how good you are at all these things, life is full of unexpected challenges, and tantrums are a normal part of child development.
When tantrums are occurring frequently, it is important to press on, and not avoid getting on with life. Children need to be given opportunities to learn and exposure to new environments. Don't avoid new experiences based on the fear of tantrums. Eventually, familiarity will breed tolerance.
What if I need more help with tantrums?
If you feel that your child is having more tantrums than other children of the same age, or you feel that you’re having trouble handling them, getting some professional assistance is a good idea. It is better to do something sooner, as talking to other adults and professionals is one of the best forms of self-care. Seeing you GP is a good first step. Take your child with you, and make it fun. Our medical centres are all child-friendly, and we encourage children to draw and play at their appointment and in the waiting room. We recommend that all parents do the circle of security parenting program in the early years, and continue to do parenting courses over time. Investing in your education in bringing up your child is one of the most enduring gifts you can give.
If you still feel that more assistance is needed, a referral to our
paediatricians, or to child psychologists Bernadette Sharry,
Matthew Simmond
or
Sharon Dawe, who focus on the support and the development of young children and toddlers, is a good idea. They work across all age groups in providing emotional regulation consultation assessment, counselling and therapy services for children. Speak to your GP about whether a Mental Health Care Plan is needed for your child.
Book a consultation with Growlife Medical today.